Yes, but No
by Moofy-Fan
Summary: Husky really doesn't know much of anything anymore. Everything's so yes, but no. Well, all but two things, at least. Warnings: Character death.


Hello everyone. I've been having trouble writing, mainly from my move knocking me so out of my routine when it comes to writing. So, sorry about not updating a couple of my fics in a while, I promise I'll get on that as soon as I can.  
But first, in order to hopefully get back into the groove of things, I wrote this. Unsurprisingly, one of the easiest things for me to write is angsty Husky. This is rather dark though… and sad… not sure where it came from, but I do hope you enjoy it.  
Warning- Character death.

Yes, but No 

I… I don't… I don't know what happened.

Okay, so I do technically know what happened, I guess, but I don't know _what_ happened. I don't know why it happened, or what went wrong or _anything_.

It's been a little over a month now, so Nana's finally stopped bursting into tears at random moments. Or well, she does it less frequently. Or maybe I'm just getting used to it now, so it doesn't seem as random anymore. Not that I'd really say she's get any better, although I can't exactly talk very much. And it's not like I'm the best at helping people with this kind of stuff, so she's kind of on her own. Thinking about it though, we all are, so it's not like she's the only one at least.

Senri's still pretty much gone. Well, he's not really gone, but he's not really here either. He makes sure that we have food to eat and shelter at night, and he'll comfort Nana whenever she randomly-but-not-really-randomly-at-all starts to cry again, but that's it. Not as bad as when he lost his memories in Moss Mountain, I _think_ he still knows who we are at least, but worse than any other time I've seen him.

Lots of things seem to be yes, but no lately. I don't know why that is either.

As for how I'm doing with all of this? Well, that's another question I don't have the answer to. You think I would, right? Seeing as it's myself and all. I should know it a lot better than I know how Nana or Senri is doing, but I don't. Everything's so yes-but-no and confusing and contradictory that I can't come to a real conclusion on much about myself.

Well, there are a few things, but they're pretty much things that anyone can see. Like that even still my hands start to shake whenever I think about what happened, and I pretty much constantly have a terrible headache. So yeah, I have a headache right now, just like I did yesterday and the day before that and so on and so forth. And my hands are shaking despite the fact that I'm trying _very hard_ to get them to stop it already.

At least my eyes don't constantly sting anymore, that stopped a few days ago. Now they only sting when I think about it. So yeah, they're stinging again.

It just doesn't make any sense to me. Everything had been good. Or at least I thought everything had been going good. This wasn't supposed to happen, we already fixed everything. We stopped it from happening, and we were supposed to be able to just continuing to live our lives without having to worry about things like death and suicide. We're kids. So many bad things shouldn't happen to you when you're this young.

The funny thing is - well, if you could call any of this even remotely funny in any way, shape or form – is that things like this _used to make sense to me. _It all seemed pretty logical. Someone tries to kill themselves, they fail or are stopped, chances are they're going to try again. Nothing about that seemed particularly hard.

That's exactly what happened to us, but it doesn't seem logical at all. Even a month later, constantly thinking over everything that happened again and again, it blindsides me. I guess there were small clues; things I hadn't thought about much at the time, but looking back on were a bit strange. Maybe I should have seen it coming, if I'd just bothered to look hard enough.

Not once did it ever cross my mind though. It'd been _months. _We were traveling like we always were. That bastard was gone and Cooro was really getting a lot better. Or at least, I thought he'd been.

Maybe that's why I don't really know much of anything anymore. I'd been so damn wrong. I'll probably end up being just as wrong if I try to be certain in anything ever again.

At first I tried to convince myself that it'd been some sort of awful mistake. Cooro wouldn't do that to himself, and he certainly wouldn't put us through all this. Something unexpected must have happened, he didn't have enough time to react or he did in the wrong way and things just spiraled out of control.

I actually managed to keep myself thinking that for about two weeks, which looking back on was a lot longer than I thought I'd be able to. It's probably a good thing that I was able to delude myself for so long though, since I don't think Nana and Senri would have been able to deal with me on top of everything else if I'd thought differently.

Now it's pretty clear how wrong I was once again. He did do it; he did all of this on purpose. And yeah, I'm pissed off about that.

I'm pissed off that that annoying, hyperactive, _emotionally manipulative __**jerk**_ could care so little about us that he'd do this. That we could tell him how much we care about him, that we're sorry and promise never to abandon each other again, and then he'd turn around and do just that to all of us. That he'd gone and perfected his acting even more, lulling us into a false sense of security so that it'd hurt all the worse when it finally happened.

And mostly I'm angry that no matter how hard I try, just like with my inability to keep my hands from shaking, I can't bring myself to hate him. That I'm so damn furious with everything, but instead of showing that like I normally do, I sneak off to be alone by some river in whatever random forest were in at the time and let my hands shake and head crack open in pain and eyes sting from all of the tears I can't hold back. Like now.

A part of me says that he didn't mean it like that. He would never want to hurt us like he did, but it's hard for me to believe that. Even though I want to think it's true, there's just no way for me to have a complete faith in anything anymore.

What did he think this would accomplish? What in the world was so bad that he thought death was the only possible way to get out of it? We became +anima because we had a desire to live, and no matter how long ago that had happened to Cooro, even if it was when he was born, that will should have still been inside of him somewhere.

You know, I really don't blame Senri for the way he deals with things like this. It seems to be a much more effective coping mechanism that anything Nana or I've managed to come up with. Maybe it really would be better if I could just forget all about Cooro, then there wouldn't be any reason for me to be angry or sad or whatever the hell I'm feeling right now.

Whenever I think about forgetting Cooro though the tears and headaches and shaking come back even worse. It's been a month; we should be past the hysterics by this point.

Well, point is I don't think I'll be able to force any selective amnesia onto myself.

I guess I should be getting back to Nana and Senri soon though. Nana starts to get really worried if I'm ever gone for very long, which is beyond annoying. Like she thinks I'm going to end up just like Cooro. That whole rumor for how I ended up in the pond back as the palace annoys me enough as it is, I don't need her thinking something like that's going to happen too.

Not that I could really yell at her about it. She's taking the whole thing just as badly as I am, possibly even worse. She keeps saying that it's her fault for getting mad at him that day at the research facility. It's not, and I tell her that, but I'm not really sure if she believes me. She had no idea what would happen though, and it was so long ago. Like I already said, we _fixed_ all that, so she shouldn't blame herself.

The tears have stopped now, although I'm still shaking a bit. It's good enough to start back though, so it's fine. I don't really have anything else to say anyway. All in all, after everything's said and done, there are two things left in this world that I can say I know for certain.

Cooro's dead.

And I really, really miss him.


End file.
